Monday, March 30, 2015

The Spring Break That Nearly Broke Me

Last week I had the kids school work ready to go on Sunday night. I was determined that we were going to work right through Spring break. When I woke up Monday morning, I looked at my schedule for the week and changed my mind. I am so glad I did too. I think I would have ended up in the hospital if I had tried to push school through. 

This week was our church's annual Easter party. I worked harder, longer hours this week than I have since I started the job. I loved every second of it but I have fibromyalgia and it has taken a toll on me. I have been gobbling down ibuprofen for 4 days. I can barely walk. Even my finger tips hurt. It hurts to type this. Isn't that ridiculous? 

I was diagnosed with Fibro back in 2009 after a year of testing and a bunch of different doctors. I was relieved to find out that all of my symptoms did not mean I was dying. Typically they put fibro patients on antidepressants but those made me depressed. Or they use an anti-seizure medication but I cannot take that as I also am epileptic. So they tried to prescribe me pain meds. I have no desire to become addicted to drugs and I absolutely cannot be loopy while trying to raise three children. I keep hoping and praying they will find a cure. In the mean time I just do my best to keep the pain manageable. I have done a pretty good job of that until this week. I know I over did it and even after I had overdone it, I kept going. 

The saying, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," Is not true with fibro. While fibro will not kill me, I can only push so far before I hit a wall. And boy have I hit the wall. I hit it harder this week than I have in many years. Every inch of me is hurting, aching, throbbing. Today is the kind of day that I wish I had filled my rheumatologist's prescription for pain meds. Instead I will just spend my day in bed. I am so thankful for Netflix and take-out. 

I don't tell everyone that I have fibro. I feel like they will not believe that my pain is real. I worry that they will judge me some how for it. I don't want people to think that I am weak. The fact is that I can't be weak. I am a single mom. I can get things done when they need to be. I just have a hefty price to pay after the fact. This weekend I ran around, pounding stakes in the ground and wrapping caution tape around them. I carried big metal garbage cans full of Easter eggs. I dumped those eggs all over 2 fields and spread them out. As I type this I think, "Before I had fibro I would read this and laughed. haha, Big deal!" I know it doesn't sound like much and I loved every second of it, I just wish I did not hurt so bad after. 

Saturday night I actually dreamed that I was walking and my legs were falling off my body, sliding right out of my hips and falling off. Sometimes I feel like my spine might just slip right out of my back. I read the description of fibro on websites and it describes the pain as "tender to the touch." HA! That makes it sound so manageable. Just don't touch me right? But right now my body is touching the chair I am sitting on. My fingers are touching these keys when I type. My feet are touching the floor. My back is not touching ANYTHING but it still hurts! 

I am not asking anyone to donate money to fibromyalgia research. There are people dying all over the world from various illnesses. There are a million causes more worthy of financial support than fibro. I just want to raise awareness. I want you to know the pain is real. I want you to know that just because a person does not look sick, does not mean they are not hurting. And just because someone has fibro, it does not mean that they don't WANT to work hard. Go donate your money to cancer research and just be understanding that fibro is real and the pain is REAL. 

No comments:

Post a Comment